Definition of Intimacy

A 17 year-old girl came up with this definition of intimacy:

"It is the capacity to be real with other people."


What a refreshing definition, especially when it comes from a 17-year old!

What does it really mean to be real? To be true to oneself. To be authentic. To be NOT FAKE.

What causes people to be unreal? Fears of being hurt? Fears of being ridiculed? Fears of being too exposed and thus lacking the wonderful sense of secrecy/mystic? I firmly believe these rational or irrational fears have caused invisible walls being erected among people. Nothing is more tragic than when it occurs between husband and wife or between a parent and a child.

Am I real to most people? With whom am I most real and with whom am I not? If a person is unreal most of his/her waking moments, then s/he will most likely be lost in her/his created images one day. What a price to pay!

An unreal person can't be happy! At least I don't see how it can be.

If a person is consistently seeking to change me for his/her selfish/unrealistic dreams, then it is time to shun him/her. Life is just too short to live for others.

Conversation with Him: Part 1

Be near me
- when the sea of troubles craftily dilutes Hope.
- When the piles of pain dexterously chase away Faith.
- When the actuality of life nudgingly dethrones the reality of LOVE.

Be near me
- when night seems long, but day seems even longer.
- When the hopeful dawn eludes its newness and the colorful dusk loses its attractiveness.
- When talking is burdersome and words are futile.

Be near me.. this I plead
- lest Hope, Faith, and Love mercilessly escape me..

Passing Thought Part 1: Friendship

Friendship.
Friends come and go.

Some left scars;
some imparted positive influences;
some just disappeared without a trace;
some appears only when s/he needs you.

I thought to myself.
How many friends do I have?
And how many of those can be regarded as true friend?

Probe deeper.
What are the prerequisites to be a true friend?
1. Trust.
2. Sincerity.
3. Disagreeable.
4. Tells the truth in love.

But a true friend is beyond what are listed above.

S/he is forgiving.
S/he doesn't impose.
S/he is not self-absorbed.
S/he understands confidentiality.
S/he takes initiative to keep in touch with you.
S/he doesn't assume; s/he asks for clarification.
S/he doesn't compete with you in every aspect of life.
S/he listens to your problems of life with his/her heart and mind.
S/he accepts you and willingly works with you on your weaknesses.
S/he carries you when your feet are feeble and fades away after yours become strong.
S/he generously lends you his/her brain power when in need of wisdom or suggestions.

Life without these true friends are indeed very meaningless and lonesome.

Fortunately I have a couple friends who have proven themselves as such.

Lingering Thought Part 1: Home

I walked into the Walgreen store on Jackson street and the radio in the store happened to be playing Bee Gees' Massachusetts, a song I grew up with. Its lyric and rhythm struck me as it always does. Suddenly, a sense of sadness overwhelmed me. Home? Where is home to me? How to define a home? Having been in the foreign land for 15 yrs, and I still try to define my own home? As far as I am concerned, a home has nothing to do with one's marital status... Emotionally, I do feel like those homeless people occasionally..

When my niece and I were in Italy, she frequently mentioned about her homesickness, and I know what she refers to. Personally, is Malaysia or America my home? Or I am still looking for one?.... Perhaps, that is the curse of having too many options.

Though I am still uncertain of my "physical home" on this earth, I am absolutely certain of my eternal home.

Massachusetts by Bee Gees
"Feel Im goin back to massachusetts,Somethings telling me I must go home.And the lights all went out in massachusettsThe day I left her standing on her own.Tried to hitch a ride to san francisco,Gotta do the things I wanna do.And the lights all went out in massachusetts. They brought me back to see my way with you.Talk about the life in massachusetts,Speak about the people I have seen,And the lights all went out in massachusettsAnd massachusetts is one place I have seen.I will remember massachusetts... ".....

Traveling...

Time flies.....
It has been 12 days since I got back from UK/Italy.... To be exact, I haven't done any of my own website programming for 7 weeks. With the completion of the travel blog, I can now go back to my enjoyable routine programming life.. For those who love web programming, realtravel.com is quite a neat tool for travel blog, except its frequent down time and sometime can last 5 to 6 hours.

Below is the link to my travel blog...
http://realtravel.com/europe-trips-i5724506.html

C.S. Lewis: Mere Christianity

When life gets tough, I have tendency to bury myself into books instead of lashing out my disappointments to human beings. The greatest gift I ever possess and cherish the most is the ability to refresh my soul and mind in the world of words.

C.S. Lewis writings have accompanied me through many unpleasant days. He was and still is my soul mate (intellectually) in writing. He will remain so till I exhale my last breath. This book strips away all the unnecessary Religion facades and deals nakedly and intricately with MERE CHRISTIANITY as the Bible presents IT.

Some books are worth rereading; some aren't. So far, his books belong to the former.

"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..."

I once heard a genuine truth seeker asked a Christian apologetist at a Q&A session, "If the lost of meaning is the problem, then what should be the meaning?"

"My argument against God was that the universe seemed so cruel and unjust. But how had I got this idea of just and unjust? A man does not call a line crooked unless he has some idea of a straight line. What was I comparing this universe with when I called it unjust?"

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic -- on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg -- or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God: or else a madman or something worse. You can shut Him up for a fool, you can spit at Him and kill Him as a demon; or you can fall at His feet and call Him Lord and God. But let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about His being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to."

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

"Now that I am a Christian I do not have moods in which the whole thing looks very improbable: but when I was an atheist I had moods in which Christianity looked terribly probable."

"All that we call human history--money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery--[is] the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy."

"When you are arguing against Him you are arguing against the very power that makes you able to argue at all."

"You would not call a man humane for ceasing to set mousetraps if he did so because he believed there were no mice in the house."

"There is nothing indulgent about the Moral Law. It is as hard as nails...If God is like the Moral Law, then He is not soft."

"The natural life in each of us is something self-centred, something that wants to be petted and admired, to take advantage of other lives, to exploit the whole universe." "[The natural life] knows that if the spiritual life gets hold of it, all its self-centredness and self-will are going to be killed and it is ready to fight tooth and nail to avoid that."
"The terrible thing, the almost impossible thing, is the hand over your whole self--all your wishes and precautions--to Christ."

Summer is almost over.........

Friday, August 17th, 2007
As usual, I, after work, walked over to the Millennium Park for the outdoor classical music concert tonight. A cloud of sadness hovered over me when the announcer announced tonight's concert to be the last one for the summer. Just like that... The summer was almost over now... School starts in a week, and Fall is just around the corner. Did my summer slip me by without a trace? I asked myself. Time for readjustment again: a life that is without these free concerts, for they had become my routine on Wednesday and Friday nights.

Saturday and Sunday, August 18 - 19th, 2007
Because of the bad harddisk, I could not use my laptop. This is the first time in 14 years that I woke up with a sense of lostness. Lying on the bed, I reevaluated all possible alternatives to have access to the Internet and to do some website development. The best one was to go to my company. While hastily getting myself ready for it, I paused to evaluate my lifestyle. Perhaps, the reason I was so desperately/restlessly wanting to travel to Europe was that I left myself no breathing room as long as I stay in Chicago, except the biweekly music concerts and the weekly bible study in Watnneka. Upon this realization, I had a choice to make. Should I take this as a divine appointment for me to relax a bit? I should. I indulged myself in reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and the Bible (the whole book of Number). I savored every single minute. I watched my roommate preparing and cooking her favorite chinese food for hours. I observed my plants. I watered them. I spent some times sitting in my living room, in front of the aquarium watching the small fishes freely and contendedly swimming from every direction. I watched Steves Rick's travel shows, cooking shows, and some gardening shows as well. This is the first time in 1 1/2 years that I did NO website development at home during the weekend. I felt strange, but sweetly happier. ;-)

David Copperfield and East of Eden

A friend gave me this book, East of Eden by John Steinbeck, to read, and with gladness I read it right after I completed the 800+ pages of David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. Having fully crammed David Copperfield and East of Eden into my tiny brain within two weeks, I am left with a spectrum of feelings, past memories, and thoughts to process. There is a sharp contrast between the two in their contents, writing styles, and themes. I sailed through very smoothly with Charles Dickens' train of thoughts as he painted the characters and storyline. However, I was caught quite off guard at nearly every turn of East of Eden's storyline. Its content caused me to pace the floor, to slowly chew the words lest the indigestion sneers at me, and at times, to get choked as if the water went into the wrong pipe of my throat.

I enjoyed these two books immensely, but with a completely different kind of enjoyments. When I finished the book of East of Eden, I felt like I have just proudly crossed the finish line of a x-mile marathon with both arms flung open into the air, head held upward, and exclaimed "YES!"; as opposed to that of David Copperfield, I felt like having just listened live to Beethoven Symphony no. 5 with Beethoven himself as its conductor. And yet both experiences are essential and beneficial, for one strengthens my philosophical muscle on human problems while the other my imagination muscle.

On a personal level, David Copperfield aspires me to a world of dreams, especially on one particular dream that has been shelved for almost 15 years now; East of Eden, under John's psychological insight and understanding on human nature, illuminates some very unpleasant family issues caused by the very haunting theme amplified in this book. That is the very reason why I felt overwhelmed after reading these two books, for they swang me from one end of the cozy imagination world to the lingering realistic age-old human problems. Although I disagree with JS on two out of his many philosophical statements, his brilliant writing style and a unifying theme throughout the book with its various characters do ease the discomfort of our different view points on the existence of God. He definitely enhances my understanding on the dire consequences of "sin is crouching at door.." if we don't learn to master our weakness, and he rekindles my interest in learning Hebrew language again..

When time is permissible, I will definitely reread these two books again. ;-)

Quotes from East Of Eden by John Steinbeck

And it never failed that during the dry years the people forgot about the rich years, and during the wet years they lost all memory of the dry years. It was always that way. (Chapter 1, p.6)

"He developed a love for poor people he could not have conceived if he had not been poor himself." (p.57)

"Some men are friends with the whole world in their hearts, and there are others that hate themselves and spread their hatred around like butter on hot bread." p. 144

"In human affairs of danger and delicacy successful conclusion is sharply limited by hurry. So often, men trip by being in a rush. If one were properly to perform a difficult and subtle act, he should first inspect the end to be achieved and then, once he had accepted the end as desirable, he should forget it completely and concentrate solely on the means. By this method he would not be moved by false action by anxiety or hurry or fear. Very few people learn this." (p. 307)

"There are techniques of the human mind whereby, in its dark deep, problems are examined, rejected or accepted. Such activities sometimes concern facets a man does not know he had. How often one goes to sleep troubled and full of pain, not knowing what causes the travail, and in the morning a whole new direction and clearness is there, maybe the result of the black reasoning. And again there mornings when ecstasy bubbles in the blood." p. 327

"Perhaps the best conversationalist in the world is the man who helps others to talk." p. 434

"War. [is] a reversal of the rules where a man is permitted to kill all the humans he can." p. 520

If you can go down so low, you will be able to rise higher than you can concieve, and you will know holy joy, a companionship almost like that of a heavenly company of angels.

"I know that sometimes a lie is used in kindness. I don't believe it ever works kindly. The quick pain of truth can pass away, but the slow, eating agony of a lie is never lost. That is a running sore. (Chp 35: p. 493)

Sometimes a kind of glory lights up the mind of a man. It happens to nearly everyone. You can feel it growing or preparing like a fuse burning towards dynamite. It is a feeling in the stomach, a delight of the nerves, of the forearms. The skin tastes like air, and every deep drawn breath is sweet. Its beginning has the pleasure of a great stretching yawn; it flashes in your brain and the whole world glows outside your eyes. A man may have lived all his life in the gray, and the land and the trees of him dark and somber. The events, even important ones, may have trooped by faceless and pale. And then-the glory-so that a cricket songsweetens his ears, the smell of the earth rises chanting to his nose, and dappling light under a tree blesses his eyes. Then a man pours outward, a torrent of him, and yet he is not diminished. And I guess a man's importance in the world can be measured by the quality and the number of his glories. It is a lonely thing but it relates to us in the world. It is the mother of all creativness, and it sets each man separate from all other men.

"I guess if a man had go shuck off everything he had, inside and out, he'd manage to hide a few little sins somewhere for his discomfort. They're the last things we'll give up." p. 168

"…nearly all men are afraid, and they don’t even know what causes their fear—shadows,
perplexities, dangers without names or numbers, fear of a faceless death. But if you can bring
yourself to face not shadows but real death, then you need never be afraid again, at least not in
the same way you were before. Then you will be a man set apart from other men, safe where
other men may cry in terror. This is the great reward. "

"Is it true that when you love a woman you are never sure—never sure of her because you aren’t sure of yourself?"

It doesn’t matter that Cathy was what I have called a monster. Perhaps we can’t understand Cathy, but on the other hand we are capable of many things in all directions, of great virtues and great sins. And who in his mind has not probed the black water? Maybe we all have in us a secret pond where evil and ugly things germinate and grow strong. But this culture is fenced, and the swimming brood climbs up only to fall back. Might it not be that in the dark pools of some men the evil grows strong enough to wriggle over the fence and swim free? Would not such a man be our monster, and are we not related to him in our hidden water? It would be absurd if we did not understand both angels and devils, since we invented them.

Samuel said satirically, “It’s my duty to take this thing of yours and kick it in the face,
then raise it up and spread slime on it thick enough to blot out its dangerous light…. I should
hold it up to you muck-covered and show you its dirt and danger. I should warn you to look
closer until you can see how ugly it really is. I should ask you to think of inconstancy and give
you examples. I should give you Othello’s handkerchief. Oh, I know I should. And I should
straighten you out of your tangled thoughts, show you that the impulse is gray as lead and rotten as a dead cow in wet weather. If I did my duty well, I could give you back your bad old life and feel good about it, and welcome you back to the musty membership in the lodge…. It is the duty of a friend. I had a friend who did the duty once for me. But I’m a false friend…. It’s a lovely thing, preserve it, and glory in it. And I’ll dig your wells…. (169)

“Go through the motions, Adam.”
“What motions?”
“Act out being alive, like a play. And after a while, a long while, it will be true.” (213)

The Cain and Abel story (265-270)
"…a great and lasting story is about everyone or it will not last. The strange and foreign is not
interesting—only the deeply personal and familiar. " (268)

"The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears….
And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection,
and with the crime guilt—and there is the story of mankind…if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is."

A child may ask, “What is the world’s story about?” And a grown man or woman may wonder, “What way will the world go? How does it end and, while we’re at it, what’s the story about?”
I believe that there is one story in the world, and only one, that has frightened and inspired us, so that we live in a Pearl White serial of continuing thought and wonder. Humans are
caught—in their lives, in their thoughts, in their hungers and ambitions, in their avarice and
cruelty, and in their kindness and generosity too—in a net of good and evil. I think this is the
only story we have and that it occurs on all levels of feeling and intelligence. Virtue and vice
were warp and woof of our first consciousness, and they will be the fabric of our last, and this
despite any changes we may impose on field and river and mountain, on economy and manners.
There is not other story. A man, after he has brushed off the dust and chips of his life, will have
left only the hard, clean questions: Was it good or was it evil? Have I done well—or ill?

“Who he [Croesus the king] asked, “is the luckiest person in the world?”… And when Solon did not mention him, Croesus was forced to say, “Do you not consider me lucky?” Solon did not hesitate in his answer. “How can I tell?” he said. “You aren’t dead yet.” And this answer must have haunted Croesus dismally as his luck disappeared, and his wealth and his kingdom. And as he was being burned on a tall fire, he may have thought of it and perhaps wished he had not asked or had not been answered.

In uncertainty I am certain that underneath their topmost layers of frailty men want to be
good and want to be loved. Indeed, most of vices are attempted shortcuts to love. When a man
comes to die, no matter what his talents and influences and genius, if he dies unloved his life
must be a failure to him and his dying a cold horror. It seems to me that if you or I must choose
between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that
our death brings no pleasure to the world.

And as a few strokes on the nose will make a puppy head shy, so a few rebuffs will make a boy
shy all over. But whereas a puppy will cringe away or roll on its back, groveling, a little boy may
cover his shyness with nonchalance, with bravado, or with secrecy. And once a boy has suffered
rejection, he will find rejection even where it does not exist—or, worse, will draw it forth from
people simply by expecting it. (440)

Don’t you dare take the lazy way. It’s too easy to excuse yourself because of your ancestry….
Whatever you do, it will be you who do it—not your mother. (445)

Quotes from David Copperfield by Charles Dickens

'Never,' said my aunt, 'be mean in anything; never be false; never be cruel. Avoid those three vices, Trot, and I can always be hopeful of you.'

"We must meet reverses boldly, and not suffer them to frighten us, my dear. We must learn to act the play out. We must live misfortune down, Trot!"

'As I think I told you once before,' said I, 'it is you who have been, in your greed and cunning, against all the world. It may be profitable to you to reflect, in future, that there never were greed and cunning in the world yet, that did not do too much, and overreach themselves. It is as certain as death.'

Anything Steerforth, you could have done anything, reached the stars! Waste, waste. Waste all waste. Life asks more of us: demands it. It is not enough to be talented Steerforth, or beautiful Dora, or even simply loving: yes Mother, or even simply loving. We must be strong or else the gifts that God sends us into the world with will just fade ad wither in the first cold wind that blows on us....the best steel...must go through the fire.

Never do tomorrow what you can do today. Procrastination is the thief of time. Collar him!

I think of every little trifle between me and Dora, and feel the truth, that trifles make the sum of life.

The remembrance of that life is fraught with so much pain to me, with so much mental suffering and want of hope, that I have never had the courage even to examine how long I was doomed to lead it. Whether it lasted for a year, or more, or less, I do not know. I only know that it was, and ceased to be; and that I have written, and there I leave it.

Some happy talent, and some fortunate opportunity, may form the two sides of the ladder on which some men mount, but the rounds of that ladder must be made of stuff to stand wear and tear; and there is no substitute for thorough-going, ardent, and sincere earnestness. Never to put one hand to anything, on which I could throw my whole self; and never to affect depreciation of my work, whatever it was; I find, now, to have been my golden rules.

When this despondency was at its worst, I believed that I should die. Sometimes, I thought that I would like to die at home; and actually turned back on my road, that I might get there soon. At other times, I passed on farther away, -from city to city, seeking I know not what, and trying to leave I know not what behind.

"Come!" said she, accepting the offer of my hand to help her over the fender, and looking wistfully up into my face, 'you know you wouldn't mistrust me, if I was a full-size woman!'
I felt that there was much truth in this; and i felt rather ashamed of myself.
'You are a young man,' she said, nodding. 'Take a word of advice, even from three foot nothing. try not to associate bodily defects with mental, my good friend, except for a solid reason." (chapter xxxii)

"I hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world."

"It's in vain, Trot, to recall the past, unless it works some influence upon the present."

My meaning simply is, that whatever I have tried to do in life, I have tried with all my heart to do well; that whatever I have devoted myself to, I have devoted myself to completely; that in great aims and in small, I have always been thoroughly in earnest.

"Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life, or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show."

It was a long and gloomy night that gathered on me, haunted by the ghosts of many hopes, of many dear remembrances, many errors, many unavailing sorrows and regrets.

"I find my breath gets short, but it seldom gets longer as a man gets older. I take it as it comes, and make the most of it. That's the best way, ain't it?"

"Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery." Chapter XII

"There can be no disparity in marriage like unsuitability of mind and purpose." Chapter XLV

Charles Dickens - 英国大文豪查理·狄更斯

从未想过自己对文学有如此深厚的摰爱。 在岁月与压力的催促下，自已在过去几年裡鲜少在文字行间漫步沉思了！直至两个星期前在偶然的机会之下接觸了Charles Dickens (英国大文豪查理·狄更斯) 的文学作品。他对人性善恶的透澈领悟，且能夠一笔一劃淋漓盡汁地发揮在 Bleak House 及 David Copperfield 裡其各种不同的角色身上令我震惊叹息。震惊他那超越，一针见血，幽默，富有想象力，及充满希望的文笔; 叹息我至今才認識他的作品。不过，慶幸這遲来的認識，畢竞总比好过未曾擦肩而过。

他精巧的文笔细腻地灌溉我那曾肥沃但已快枯干的文海心田。他使我开始品味我千篇一律的日常生话。古典文学及古典音乐雖不屬我一人，但我非屬它们不可。若將這两者從我生命中取掉，我將是位行尸走肉的人。除了我对主耶稣的信仰，是這两者陪伴我单獨面对过去十五年许多挑战性的日子。

熱爱文学的朋友们，有空不妨讀一讀他的作品。你绝不会後悔。

Mahatma Ghandi's Quotes

"Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingeuity of man."

"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will."

"Satisfaction lies in the effort and not in the attainment."

"A nation that is capable of limitless sacrifice is capable fo rising to limitless heights. The purer the sacrifice the quicker the progress."

"Where there is love, there is life; hatred leads to destruction."

"Truth, purity, self-control, firmness, fearlessness, humility, unity, peace, and renunciation - these are the inherent qualities of a civil resister."

"Non-cooperation is a protest against an unwitting and unwilling participation in evil."

"You will eat not to satisfy your palate but your hunger. A self-indulgent man lives to eat; a self-restrained man eats to live."

"Honest differences are often a healthy sign of progress."

"Love is the strongest force the world possesses, and yet it is the humblest imaginable."

"It does not require money to be neat, clean and dignified."

"Cowards can never be moral."

"To forget how to dig the earth and tend the soil is to forget ourselves."

Isak Dinesen - Author of the novel, "Out Of Africa"

Due to my pending Europe trip in the early Fall, I have been doing some study on European continent and its travel information. One of the best ways I found is to watch DVDs filmed by professional travellers, such as Rudy Maxa and Rick Steve.

In one of the DVDs I came to know Isak Dinesen, the novelist who wrote "Out of Africa", which has been turned into a hollywood movie casted by Robert Redford. According to the lady in the DVDs, Isak Dinesen was interviewed at the end of her life about what she learned from her own life. Isak Dinesen responded, "1. You have to have courage to live. 2. You must be able to love. 3. You must have a sense of humor." I concur wholeheartedly. If there is something I would add to it, I would either expand the first statement a little bit or add a fourth statement, which is the courage to take some GOOD risk.

The word COURAGE is short and simple, and yet its impact, when fully exercised, can be so PROFOUND that even a disconnected artificial heart may feel its vibrance.

Is the lack of courage to live equivalent to the lack of hope to live? Have you met someone who has been diagnosed with terminal disease and yet still does his/her best to seize every moment to enjoy life? On the contrary, have you ever met someone who has a good family, a healthy body, and a decent job and yet nothing positive can come out of his/her mouths. To live well is to have courage to live and accept his/her own responsibilities. Merely living is like a walking skeleton. A pathetic scene to be seen. It is one thing to find life, at times, difficult, discouraged, and frustrated to deal with, but it is quite another to shrug off your own responsibilities and blaming on others.

A friend of mine recently told me that he can easily be attracted to girls, but he can't love. Why can't he love? Fear to have his heart pierced and twisted from the inside out again? Or fear that he may not be loved back with the same intensity that he so anticipated? Knowing his background, I am afraid to say that it is not as much of his inability to love as of his inability to overcome the fear of being hurt/rejected again. FEAR is the enemy of COURAGE!

PERFECT LOVE casts out FEAR.

Huh! Life is pain. The other day my girlfriends and I were talking about newborn babies and their crying the moment they are out of the mother's womb. I know there are medical explanation for their crying.. To be sentimental, I am a firm believer that we are born to troubles and that in order to go through this life in one piece, one must learn to be humorous and laugh at the happening...

A Wise Woman

One of my male friends gave me his unsolicited definition of a wise woman.
"A wise woman knows how to take good care of herself and be in control of her life in the absence of a man. But then, she also knows how to make her man feel in charge by letting her man be the man in his presence without compromising her own identity."

Well, I wonder what is the definition of a wise man!

让爱不虚假! Let love be without hypocrisy

My beloved....

Children are indeed a blessing from GOD...
For the past 11 of the 15 years in the States, especially the past 7 yrs, I saved up all my vacations just to visit Malaysia every year. Some people find it unbelievable. While there are many reasons, the major one is because of my sweet nieces and nephews. They are the joy of my life. Their innocent faces and laughters can easily roll away my blues. They continue to amaze me with their truthfulness, sincerity, innocence, and purity, which help to keep my child-like dreams and expectation of life and of people, respectively, vibrantly alive. And children are much more forgiving compared to the adults. I learn more about life on happiness from children than from any other self-help books.

A visit to Art Institute of Chicago

May 10, 2007 – Thursday

As usual, the 23th floor was always quiet. I was grateful that MS left me her membership card for Art Institute of Chicago (AIC) so that I might enjoy the Cezanne to Picasso Art Exhibition later today for free.

Just when I was about to leave for the exhibition, BC motioned me to work along with him in the SQL Server installation. Luckily it was only a 15-minute installation.

As I expected it to be, the AIC was quite packed. People tried to make it before the end of the exhibition on Saturday.

Arts, like classical music, can relax my muscles, stimulate every fiber of my brain cells for a higher level of imaginations, and compel me to dream big dreams. A great artist is one who dares to dream and use one’s paintbrush to convey one’s innermost feelings. As a result, one’s arts can transfuse the onlookers into a higher realm of a purer world, perhaps, a utopia.

To avoid wasting more times, I asked one of the guards the precise location of the exhibition. It was at the other side of the building. Walking through the long corridor filled with ancient displays of armors, I could not help but thinking of the trivial things to do at home. “Hannah, stop that. Just enjoy the exhibition, worry about those later.”

Showing the card to the guards, I stepped into the gallery. Right in front of me was the introduction of Ambroise Vollard – an art dealer who had collected all these arts once upon of time. He was tall, heavy, half-bald, and with beard. Coming from a very humble family, he was quick to discover the leverage in art selling and set his mind onto the business. He was a cat lover too. This reminded me of BK who is also a cat lover. Though I have yet met a chinese man who loves cat, I sincerely believe pets can be faithful companion, even more faithful and loyal than human. Had it not been my annual travel back home to Malaysia, I might have adopted one or two cats or dogs.

Stepping into the left room, here it was. One of my beloved arts of all times: Starry Night by Vincent Van Gogh. I paused for a while. By letting both my crowded mind go, I allowed the painting to tell me how to feel and what to think. The crescent moon accompanied with the swirling clouds rolled away the burdens in my heart. Right in the center of the picture was a church in a small quiet town. What peaceful scenery. What seclusion! Is that how Van Gogh felt when he painted it? I love artists who apply colors in great contrast with one another. Van Gogh is one of them.

Andre Derain’s Big Ben is quite similar to Van Gogh’s Starry Night as far as the color usage is concerned. Dark Blue contrasted with yellow, orange, and red. The reflection of the moon unto Thames River was just perfect. It could have been a long line of reflection, but the passing boat interrupted it. How true it is to describe life. Life is always interjected with pleasant and unpleasant interruptions. Suddenly I seemed to understand myself better. While I wish my life to be a quiet one, at the same time I am dreadful of the monotonous life that may dull my soul. I don’t mind at all to have a few passing boats that interfere with the normal routine of life so long I am prepared to deal with them wisely.

Bathers by Paul Cezanne

Nudity is synonymous to art. Paul Cezanne seems to love nude painting more than any artists I have known so far. However, his style reflects the beauty of the nakedness without rousing the dark side of the sexuality. In particular, I love this painting : the light colors he used in this daily routine of life: bathing.

Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going? By Paul Gauguin

I was very captured by the title of painting.. For these very three questions I came to know Jesus. For these three questions, Paul G. painted this. This painting needs to be studied from right to the left. There lies a newborn baby on the cloth to signify the beginning of life. The middle of the picture is the progress of life through various stages… At the end, at the left, an old lady crouched with both hands holding on to her face as if saying: “that is, that is the end of life, whether u like it or not”. This is definitely not a posture of growing old graciously. I literally stood just a few inches away from this painting, trying to study the feature of the old lady and the emotions manifested on her face. Deep in my heart, I quietly made a decision: “Hannah, don’t let your life end like this. Do learn to grow old graciously.”

Seated Girl with Rabbit by Pierre Bonnard

I can’t tell why I love this painting. I love its unique lines and the colors that seem to intertwine with one another. It is like a puzzle that requires observation from a distance. This painting reminds me of another painter whom I still try to remember since years ago.

On The Pale Silver Sofa By Maurice Denis

After viewing those paintings with the big contrast of colors, I found this painting very soothing to my eyes. The lines are so tiny and clear. For a moment, I thought it is a Japanese art.

A Strange Flower by Odilan Redon

It is indeed a strange flower… It is sad look. I had hard time to describe my feelings when staring at the picture. The idea itself is peculiar: a flower with a human face.

Amrboise Vollard Multifaceted Portrait By Pablo Picasso

Of all the paintings, I found this one the most fascinating. Only a genius brain can come up with this type of drawing.

The old guitarist By Pablo Picasso

This is the most haunting painting I have ever seen. The moment my eyes contacted it, my heart sank. The monochrome color palette, flattened forums and somber themes: gray and dark blue create the most depressive effect on me. At the split second, I believe this is a good picture for me when I am depressed and need a good cry.

I believe one day I will start collecting arts by buying art works from students in the local universities. I already know my favorite type of arts.

What an emotional day. Let go of my logic and let the art world temporarily define my feelings for a few hours.

Houston Trip Jun 1st - 4th 2007

Jun 1st, 2007

Everything seems to have its limit. I hit bottom last Friday that I eventually decided to let the dreamer/adventurer Hannah dominant the planner Hannah for this weekend and many more weekends to come in the future. I flew out to Houston at 5:30pm from OHare. It is time to nourish the adventurous aspect of my life and to keep the tedious programming lifestyle in the closet for three days.

Knowing DW, I will probably be pampered. Is it good or bad? I don’t know, all I know is that I need fresh air. Air from the ocean, air from the new places, and air that will rejuvenate the three crucial components of a human: mind, soul, and body.

The flight arrived earlier and DW wasn’t there yet. I walked through the typical airport glassy door to the outside passenger-drop-off waiting area. Spotting an empty bench, I sorted of gently dropping my body onto it. The 70s temperature weather accompanied with the constant soothing breeze made the 25 waiting minutes like nothing. I truly was relaxing. Houstonians are friendly; 95% of them who walked passed me nodded their heads and smiled to me. To my surprise that DW and I indeed had miscommunication on the pick-up place. Cell phone is useful in this situation.

It took 22 minutes from IAH to his brother’s house, a nice little brand new one-storey house. The moment I walked into the house, the somewhat disarrayed arrangement and interior decoration manifested itself that this house lacks "a touch of women". Since both his brother and nephew are out of town, therefore we had the whole house for ourselves. That would help me relax even more.

After showing me around the house and putting my luggage to the guest room, DW cooked Korean instant noodles for me. He refused any help from me, insisted that this is my vacation. I let him be. I was surprised to see the number of of laptops and computers he owns and how he enjoys the satisfactions of fixing up any broken computers. As usual, my life can never be disconnected from the Internet. Quickly getting my laptop hooked up to the DSL service, I checked my email on the bed where I would be sleeping on for the next three nights. DW, then, checked my laptop to see if he could improve its speed by removing junks. We then spent some times viewing his photos taken from Sweden. As he explained the people and the meaning of those photos, he also showed the geographical of the location where those pictures were taken via an Europe map. He reiterated a few times that he would take me to those places when/if I visit him in Sweden this fall. It was a long day. I didn’t go to bed till 1:45am.


Jun 2nd, 2007
I wake up at 6:30am. Still exhausted. Prayed a little. Could not read the Bible, for I forgot to bring one. Went back to sleep. Wake up again at 8:30am. Got online to check the email. YP wrote to ask about the wiring money and swimming gaggle. I replied saying I would try to contact him tonight after I come back from San Antonio tonight. I managed to talk briefly with mom. Then I listened to some sermon.

We left home for San Antonio around 10am. The sun was shining bright and HOT. Without sunglasses, my eyes would probably be suffering. So I decided to put on my contact lens in hopes the humidity in Houston/S.A. would help my dry eyes. During the 3-hour drive from Houston to San Antonio, DW played his favorite chinese songs, in which most of the songs I was not familiar with. Indeed, I have disconnected from the chinese culture for quite a while. I could not help but wishing I have my classical music CDs with me. Our music taste are quite different. In spite of that, I definitely enjoyed sitting in the passenger seat looking out to the sky, observing the movements of innumberable big white clouds overlapping each other and against the light blue sky, and seeing the flat landscape of Texas. I love the feeling of being free. I could hardly remember when was the last time I truly and quietly enjoyed the sky without worrying about my website development.

We stopped by Subway for a footlong sandwich. We shared. Quite tasty.

We reached S.A. downtown around 1:30pm. The closer to the ruin, The Alamo, the more crowded it was. The significant role of the Alamo in the history of America has turned San Antonio into a commercialized city. Next to the ruin are the commercial shops and a few impressive malls. Quickly we parked the car in one of the garages. Before walking out the garage, I looked around trying to find the specific description/detail of the garage so that we could find our car later. "It was B level at Crokett Garage," I reminded DW and myself.

It was hot. 90F. DW stopped for an ice-cream before crossing the street to the Alamo. I politely declined, for I was till full from the sandwich. The owner of the ice-cream shop must have made a fortune out of this store. We waited for at least 10 minutes.

The lush surrounding within the wall of the Alamo was extremely pleasing to the senses. I repeatedly told DW that I just loved the green. Having lived in the city of Chicago for six years and constantly breathed in the polluted air, greenery has meant something to me. Sometimes, honestly, all I wanted in my daily life is a quiet place where I can see the green. The picture on the left displayed one type of uniforms wore during the war, in which i have forgotten the name.

Walked back to where we parked our car, and the famous River Walk of S.A. was right underneath us as it was shown in the picture on the right. I was indeed impressed with what I saw. There are a variety of restaurants and trees on both sides along the river. The trees not only provide shade to the customers who enjoy luncheon/dinner on the river, but also to the walkers who enjoy the stroll along the river. I guess people do stop for meal or drink as they are tired of walking. The winding staircases that connect to the hotels or restaurants against the backdrop of the river left a deep impression on me. Every few minutes I would see tourist boats passed us by. I have hard time understanding why would people choose to pay for the "River Walk" ride instead of truly taking a River Walk by feet. Well, again, it is a matter of preference. We walked for at least 1 hour, if not longer, until we both thirst for water.

Mission San Jose >

THe other side of Mission Concepcion

Due to the fact that DW wanted to take me to the newly open Chinese restaurant in Houston, therefore we tried to leave S.A. by 5:00pm and made it back to Houston by 8ish.. Nonetheless, right before we left, I stopped by a sourvenior shop for postcards. I discovered there were four other old "churches". I asked the owner of the shop whether they were nearby. It turned out to be within 10 miles from where we were. DW was okay with it. I, then, memorized the direction given by the owner. The deal was that we would try to find it for 20 minutes. If we could not find the location within the allocated timeframe, we would just head home. Luckily we did find it. We managed to visit two of the four churches.

My favorite picture in the entire trip, taken in Mission Concepcion church. >
And we managed to get to the Chinese restaurant before it was closed. It was the cheapest and yummiest buffet I ever had. I had a lot of raw salmon, sushi, and crab. It was too late to call YP when we got home.

Jun 03, 2007

On the way to Galvesion, the Gulf of Mexico. The leftmost picture is Houston's downtown. Next to it is the houses near the Galveston. The houses reminded of the old Malay houses near beaches in Malaysia. Of course, these are much more beautiful.


DW did take me to his brother's factory where he showed me his handy work on renovating the office. Quite a good job that he has done. (So was the dog house that he built for his two dogs.) Now I eventually understood the type of business his brother is involved in. Seeing is always better than listening to a thousand words.

It was hot enough in S.A., but it was even hotter in Galveston, the Gulf of Mexico. As a girl was pouring onto the ground some bread, the sensitive seagulls quickly detected it and fearlessly touched down and picked up those bread. It was quite a scene. The water looked murky, just as DW described prior to our arrival.

University of Houston campus.

The computer lab at UofH. >

<>

We both had ice-cream here.

We reached home before dark. We wanted to each ride a bike around the neighbourhood, but one of the bike's tire was punctured. We ended up taking a stroll to the pond. It was a decent size.. I jokingly teased DW that I would come here more often if his brother's house was facing this pond. I love water since I was a child. I can totally forget about myself whenever I am in the water, swimming pool or ocean. Surprisingly, I saw five puppies and one cat in one of the houses' backyard. I found the puppies' barking very pleasant to my ears. DW was standing from a distance as I approached them. The closer I were to them, the higher they jumped inside the fence and the louder they barked at me. Those puppies were so darling and so was the puffy cat. Weird but true, at that moment, I truly would like to hold them and also had the unprecendented urge to want to own a pet. Will I? Who knows. But I am also fearful of the potential strong attachment I may develop with them. Attachment is a vulnerable thing, and to be vulnerable is definitely a scary thing.

The trip ended when I took the earliest flight out of IAH to Chicago on Jun 4th, 2007. Cheers to our 7 yrs of friendship, DW. Friendship is priceless.

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly." anonysmous.